There's no doubt that the last four months I have been doing a lot of thinking. After the bear attack, I clearly started looking at myself differently. Immediately after the incident my concern was recovery and feeding my wounds (physical and emotional). Literally, with lots of food. It was a short time after the holidays that a switch flipped. I needed to get back to exercising and eating right. The binge needed to end. I was in a prime mortal frenzy of eating. Just needed to comfort my soul. Nothing was safe in the house from being consumed.
The switch. I finally was processing the events and realized I was so much stronger than I ever thought. It's been small steps that are mostly applying to my need to be in better physical health. Like making the break and jogging faster and faster on the treadmill. Pushing myself harder to workout more often. I came out the other side of a most unexpected event in life and feel better about myself than I realized I have in a long time, if ever.
In addition, I've been doing a little research about animal totems after a suggestion that I have now been marked by a bear. The 'medicine' that Native Americans feel a bear has is actually about introspection. Finding the answers to the questions inside us. And boy, have I been looking inside my mind. To be quite honest I feel like I'm seeing myself clearly for the first time. I am so much stronger than I ever knew I was. I run faster every time I get on the treadmill, I push myself more physically than I have ever in the past. Mentally, I am fighting to be more confidence. I want to find my voice. I know that it's there, because that night my inner voice spoke to me. Deep inside, unprovoked I spoke to myself. And what it told me got me through those following weeks.
This crazy animal attack is not going wasted. I'm using these feelings as a self-growth exercise. Tremendous strength and courage are in me and I want that to come out all the time. Not just in a life saving/changing moment. Because the life I am trying to save and change now is mine. I have got to loose the weight. I can not go on like this. Every workout and everyday that I eat healthy will get me one step closer to this goal.
Cannot say enough about all of this. But in regards to my weight and it's battle, this poem below about bear totem's speaks to me so loud and clear, every word of it. If you have a special connection with an animal, do yourself a favor and research the totem. You might just have some really good medicine on your side!
Bear totem poem:
Deep in slumber, dreams unending,
Wise old bear, patient, strong,
Send me dreams of transformation.
Grant me intuition along
With introspection of my life,
Inner listening, no more strife.
